Changes Within

Greetings to you on this chilly day. We haven't interacted here in a while, but today I thought I would share.
It's interesting when you seek to make changes in your life, especially when it involves changing your attitude, outlook, and thinking. We all learn to respond to things differently, primarily based on the interactions that we experience as we are growing and developing our personalities. Depending on the type of family setting we come from, the things we are exposed to both positive and negative, and the various relationships that we develop. For myself, I have had an abundance of exposure to various family settings, positive and negative relationships, and experiences. All of them have helped to develop my personality, how I think, and how I interact with individuals. One of my weakest traits has been the inability to control my anger. This is an ongoing process, no matter how much you work on it. Personally, I have been diligently working on my anger for the past few years. What a process that has been! When you are accustomed to lashing out or being vindictive to display your anger, it is a hard habit to break. It definitely is not something that occurs overnight, a few months, or even a year. Like other goals, effectively managing your anger is a continuous process. For some it may not take as long or they may not to have to work as excessively as others. In my case, I needed extensive help.
Due to unresolved or unaddressed issues in my past, I found that anger and frustration had been constantly brewing inside of me for years, but I felt as if I had it in check. At the end of the day, being explosive was just a part of my personality. People understood. If they knew like me, stay out of my way, or make sure you are not the target of my frustration. But who really wants to live their life with the stigma of being the "loose cannon," the "hothead," or just a plain old "crazy bitch?" Certainly not I. However, over the years I became comfortable with those labels. In my eye, people will respect you more if they know that you have no tolerance for foolishness or that you will snap in an instant. This may or may not be the case, but I discovered after a while, that I didn't want to have that reputation anymore.
Old habits die slow, and that is exactly what I have confirmed. No matter how intense my motivation was to get my anger under control, I always failed miserably. Both my interior and exterior walls stayed up at all times. I had too many times in the past let my guard down and individuals took it as a weakness. I can remember often saying, when you try to calm down, and people notice, they try to test you even more. People assume that because you try to become in more control of your emotions that they can now punk you! They think that I won't get in their ass! I can't lie, that was my thinking. And honestly, a little of that mentality still surfaces from time to time.
When I really began to analyze the problem with my anger, I found something very interesting about myself. I had a bad habit of becoming explosive about minute issues and showed little or no concern about issues that in actuality should have infuriated me more. Why? Because in an effort to curb my anger, I would try to blow things off and not speak on them when I should have. When I would totally lose it over something small, it was because I had penned up so many emotions from previous experiences. A big ball of anger and frustration lingering inside, ignited by a small issue. What a bad combination. What an unhealthy way to live!
 I started to look it this more closely back in 2010 when I began experiencing a lot of stress at work and began having issues with High Blood Pressure. So many things at the job irritated me. Things at home, constantly stressing me. During that time, the small things sent me over the edge as well as the bigger issues. When my doctor took me off work for an extended period of time, my anger levels began to decrease, just a little. But then suddenly I began having panic attacks and didn't know what was going on. I began seeing a therapist for counseling at the University. It was noted that while I had removed a large stressor from the equation at the time, there was an abundance of other issues plaguing me. I had a very strained relationship with my son and a very abusive and unhealthy relationship with my husband. How could I ever contain my anger issues if I didn't get some relief? I continued the counseling and found activities for myself as de-stressors. Writing was one of my soothing activities, and slowly I could see the stress being lifted, but it just wasn't enough. Every time I thought I had reached an even plane, something was pulling me back in.
Looking back at old and current journal entries, I  began to review the various triggers and emotions that followed explosive outbursts or moments of discomfort. It was important for me to be able to make comparisons regarding the severity and frequency of such instances. In doing so, I began to determine how I could decrease the stress. The most important thing that I discovered was that when I immediately addressed an issue whether small or great, I was less likely to lose control. My challenge however was being able to address the issue in a calm and non confrontational manner. An inability to do so is what caused me to add more stress and strain on myself both physically and mentally. My fear of losing control always prompted me to hold back my feelings. In turn, holding these feelings or emotions and keeping them bottled up, only made things worse on me. Bottled up anger and unresolved issues was only creating a unpredictable time bomb. It also increased my instances of panic attacks. What could I do to prevent this from becoming a serious condition for me? I had to fight within myself to overcome it!
As with most things, it's primarily mental reinforcement that yields more positive results. Mind over matter is the way I like to best describe this attribute. Not only conditioning your mind to change but also putting in the work that is needed to achieve the desired result. Continuing the counseling, journaling and most importantly, addressing issues head on rather than lacking the confidence in myself to express myself in a calm yet firm manner. Gradually, as I began to put these things in perspective and began addressing issues sooner rather than later, I could feel the pressure releasing. Not that I have completely conquered this aspect of my life, I have come quite a ways in "simmering" down and expressing myself in a more calm and mature manner. I'm glad to report that since tackling this head on, the panic attacks decreased and to date, I haven't had another one in over a year. Not only making a mental change, but making physical changes also helped me in this area. Developing a healthier lifestyle that includes regular exercise dramatically assisted me in conquering this obstacle. Exercise is a great stress reliever. It enabled me to have the alone time to think things out, reflect on various life events, all the while, improving my health. I have proven to myself and demonstrated to those around me that when you seek to make changes within, target the triggers, and apply the changes to your daily life you can and will yield positive results. As I always say, change is constant, everyday is an opportunity to implement something positive in your life to continue on a healthy and more stable path. Make everyday memorable! Don't allow the actions of others to dominate you!
*PhatPhat*